Monday, June 27, 2016


In reviewing my recent posts I have come to the conclusion that I am one hell of a downer these days which, surprisingly enough, is not my natural state of being. Now I know what I am currently working on is important to me and I think in the long run will be a very valuable exercise but for today I think it is time for me to set that aside and talk about something far more entertaining (if for no other reason than to keep me from getting too serious). So today I am going to talk about one of our kitties: Introducing Bethany!

We got Bethany as a rescue we adopted through Alberta Animal Services in December of 2014. She is technically my husband’s cat although she loves everyone! My husband is not normally a cat person but one day while hanging out with his daughter they stopped in a local pet store to play with the adoptable cats. Bethany was there, in her cone of shame, with a little stub of a tail. As soon as my husband walked in the door she sauntered her way over to him and began nuzzling and licking his hand. He claims it was his daughter that was smitten with the cat but I think we can all guess the truth.

He asked about what kind of cat she was, why she was in the cone and why such a short tail. While they didn’t know exactly what kind of cat she is, she was in the cone to stop her from licking her stubby tail. Turns out the poor kitty was cold (winter in Alberta, trust me it gets cold) and so she crawled under the hood of a truck to get warm. When the truck was turned on the poor kitty’s tail got caught in the fan belt. The man who owned the truck heard her yowl and freed her from the fan belt and took her to the vet’s office right away. They had to amputate the tail and were unable to find who she belonged to so put her up for adoption.

That night my husband took me to see Bethany. I watched as she pulled his hand into the bars of her little kennel and held on for dear life. She proceeded to nuzzle and lick his hand and looked at me with her big sweet eyes. The next morning after setting up a second litter box and blankets in our spare bedroom we brought her home. Our other cat Eve was initially rather un-amused with her new housemate, where our four dogs (Max, Belle, Rosie and White Paw) wanted nothing more than to cuddle her. It took a few days for the chaos that a new family member brings to settle down. Then we got to see what kind of personality Bethany had…

First let me start by saying she is the most people oriented and loving cat I have ever seen. She loves to spend hours curled up on a lap snoozing away. If we are too active to snuggle her she goes over and will cuddle with any of the dogs. When one of our dogs, White Paw, passed away at 16 years old she would sit and snuggle as I cried and made sure every one of the other fur babies got lots of snuggle time. She insists that every single house guest greets her with scratches and as soon as their laps are open she will commandeer them.

She is also very playful! I think she thinks she is part dog as she will play fetch with you. One of our dogs, Max, is very addicted to tennis balls. So much so that there must always be a few in the house and the yard or he will drive you insane barking for one. I have caught Bethany playing with them, rolling them up and down the hallway, and always at supersonic speeds. Being a solid cat it hurts when she rams into your leg! She and Eve are often shadow boxing and pouncing on each other. Incidentally Bethany is a larger cat than Eve and I often watch as Eve prances around Bethany, until Bethany just runs her over. That cat is a tank. They will chase each other across the house until they collapse on their cat tree and have a good power nap.

Bethany, unlike Eve, seems to have absolutely no interest in anything magical in nature. She does however have a fascination with toes; yep that’s right toes, a creepy and almost unnatural obsession with toes. For months I watched as she played with the pads on the pooches’ paws, giggling at her strange obsession. I would go to bed at night, with the illusion of safe toes until one dark night she came for them. I was settling down for a much needed night sleep and it was rather warm outside and even warmer in the house. The blankets had been carelessly tossed to the foot of the bed and I laid there as the soothing sensation of drifting to sleep washed over me. Abruptly this sensation was shattered as the feeling of wet sandpaper raked itself across my big toe. I shot my foot to the side, accidentally kicking my husband, when the sandpaper came back for the other toe. I flung the light on as I threw myself out of bed to see what evil creature lay lurking at my feet and was greeted by a pleasant ‘meow” of the innocent looking Bethany. Since that night we keep a blanket over our feet and have to be careful about what we wear, at the hint of a naked toe she is there, ready to scrap her tongue all over them.

As with all our rescue pets over the years I cannot help but wonder what their lives were like before they came to us. I often find myself reading a book or magazine in bed, with Eve purring in my ear and Bethany at my side, staring at where my toes will be under the covers. As she looks up at me when I scratch behind her ears I ask “where did you come from before kitty”. We have so little information. We think Bethany was abandoned. A few weeks ago we had to take her collar off since she had bent the ring holding the bell on her collar and it could have cut her. As we took the collar off she got very nervous, making little mewing noises and trying to pull her collar towards her again.

Now this is a cat that can, and often does, take her collar off on a whim. She leaves it somewhere we can find it and as soon as we find it we hunt her down. She runs to the nearest table and sits there for us to put it back on her, this is one of her favorite games. But when we took it off of her I could see panic in her big eyes. She mewed until we got it back on her and then she spent the rest of the day following us around and snuggling into us. It makes me wonder if once somebody she loved took a collar off her and left her in the countryside where she was eventually found. That idea breaks my heart and haunts my nightmares. But then a tongue rasps against the exposed toe, and a mischievous feline mews and I pull her close for a good snuggle and whisper to her “this is your home, forever”.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Exploring Lost - Considering Options

As I sit around, lingering in lost land I realize that I am at a turning point. I have explored some of the feelings I have had about being lost, how I got to this point, some of the ideas I have been clinging too that are most certainly not helping me. Now I find I have reached a point where I feel the need to start considering my options. I sat down over the last few days and drafted for myself a list of choices I have before me, along with the Pro’s and Con’s of each choice.

When I first realized I was lost I did not seem to have this ability. I found my thinking was seriously impaired, I found myself walking through a fog filled with sorrow, disappointment and despair. Now that I have taken some time to think, write and calm myself down I can feel the fog lifting and a few choices are clear to me. I think it would be wise for me to take a few moments and look at each of these options before blindly pitching myself into one of these directions. From where I sit the paths I can chose are:
·         Stay lost
·         Get apathetic about religion and spirituality (Essentially say Fuck it)
·         Decide to be an atheist
·         Pick a religion and throw myself into it
·         Other

So in examining the first option, to Stay Lost, there are some remarkably solid reasons to stick with it. The first is that it requires minimum decision making on my behalf. I just do not move. I don’t have to worry about the consequences of the other decisions as I have already discovered what being lost is like. Being lost is a bit on the easier side too. I mean if I’m lost no holy days to care about right? And despite the discomfort it has propelled me to think a lot more and explore points of view that a few years ago I never would have even considered. The cons for this choice is that it is not a comfortable place to be in as I have explained before. I find it hard to answer burning questions within myself about what I value and find sacred in the world around me if I stay spinning my wheels.

My second option is to be apathetic and just say fuck it to everything regarding spirituality and religion. This is another easy option for me. I once again don’t have to put too much work into it. It gives me a great deal of freedom to do what I want when I want without having to commit myself to any singular direction. And yet it is not a comfortable place either. Granted there are freedoms involved but there is something inside of me, a longing for the divine perhaps, perhaps the need to feel like there is meaning to this tiny existence on our big blue and green marble. The truth of it all is spirituality still is something that matters to me.

This pretty much decides the direction I need to go on the third option. Atheism does have its appealing points to me. Values based on the inherit worth of humanity as a whole rather than on a division of those who are right and wrong, plus the rational backing of scientific theory and principles are very attractive. And yet I find myself quoting Shakespeare here: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy” (Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5). Again the deep stiring in my soul for that which science has not yet been able to explain, along with some personal experiences that the only scientific explanation for is schizophrenia, makes atheism a less appealing choice. I am still far too drawn to mystery and magic, to Gods and Angels, Fairies and Spirits.

So seeing that Atheism is not the best fit for me the next choice is to pick a religion and practice it fully. This is not a bad option, it is in fact what I have done all my life. Starting with Catholocism into a few branches of Christianity, to Dianic Wicca, to Wicca to Celtic Paganism to Lost. This would give me a nice framework to reside within and a supportive community to answer my questions. On the other hand, I have found in each group I have belong to over the course of my life I eventually find myself stiffled and no closer to a connection with the divine. I'm also a stubborn pain in the ass that does not like to ben when soemthing seems wrong or off to me. If I don't feel it I tend to balk, not sure if that is a good thing or not. Mind you the decision to walk is an agonizing one and it's only when I really know deep in my soul that the practice or religion is making me starve.

To be honest, I am tiered of trying to fit into the correct mold. I am tiered of limits being placed on the expression of my spirit. I am tiered of the walls built to keep people out, or is it to keep people in. I'm tiered of the questions of "Am I doing this right?" "Am I enough of a (Witch/Pagan/Christian etc) ". I'm also tiered of peple who are trying to pigeon hole and classify me then try to keep me in that box. And I am tiered oftrying to fit my soul into a box. Perhaps I need another option. Perhaps its time I tear the walls around my soul down and let it take the lead for once.

Monday, June 6, 2016

June 6, 1944

Today in 1944 Operation Neptune commenced. Starting with the an airborne assault landing of 24,000 British, American and Canadian airborne troops shortly after ...midnight, and an amphibious landing. of Allied infantry and armoured divisions on the coast of France starting at 6:30 am. The landings took place along a 50-mile (80 km) stretch of the Normandy coast divided into five sectors: Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno, and Sword.

At the end of the operation the Allied had gained a foothold in Europe. This landing would eventually lead to the Surrender of Nazi Germany, the Liberation of Europe, the rescue of millions of civilians and halted the expansion of Nazi Germany. the landings involved over 156 000 combatants of the Allied Forces, and at the end of the landings there were over 12 000 casualties

Please take a moment of silent reflection, and a prayer of thankfulness in honour of all the brave Men and Women of the Allied forces for launching the attack, and especially for the men that landed and through their sweat and blood our path to freedom.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, no the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.